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MOVIE REVIEW: Twelve

Think of a dozen reasons not to see this movie

Twelve: Rates a D.
Courtesy Photo

I loved the weird voice-over we heard in the film Little Children. The narrator in this is Keifer Sutherland, sounding just like him, with a touch of Ron Burgundy thrown in (Sutherland worked with director Joel Schumacher in The Lost Boys and Flatliners).

It was laughably bad, and made worse by the dialogue. Occasionally he’d have a funny line. Occasionally a teenager would say something profound; but too often they tried for something and fell flat.

You end up watching a bunch of spoiled rich kids that you don’t care about, or even find believable (even Rory Culkin, who plays the virgin – is surely smart enough to not be duped by the girl who convinces him to spend thousands of dollars to throw her an 18th birthday party).

Schumacher has only done one movie I really liked (Falling Down), and his attempt at taking on this well-reviewed novel, doesn’t work. I’m curious as to why he made the main character, White Mike, not sell this new drug Twelve. I’m guessing test-audiences had a hard time showing sympathy for him losing his mom to cancer if he’s selling a dangerous drug, so he just sells pot and leaves the heavy stuff to rapper 50 Cent. He does a decent acting job. Of course, we get that cliché scene of a rich, attractive white girl so desperate for drugs that she’s willing to sleep with him to score (I last remember seeing that in the overrated Michael Douglas movie Traffic).

The cast is filled with great looking young actors (someone from Gossip Girl, Lenny Kravitz’s kid, Zoe) and former good looking actors (Ellen Barkin).

This film is a pretentious mess that isn’t a 12, but a zero. A Less Than Zero wannabe.

It might rate a 12, on a scale from 1 to 50.

Since these are all kids going to Ivy League schools, the grade system works best. It deserves the D it’s getting.

I recommend you rent 12 Monkeys instead. No, it’s not remotely like this. I just think it’s a really awesome film that you should see.