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MOVIE REVIEW: Little Fockers

Let this franchise die, already

(L-R) Robert De Niro as Jack and Ben Stiller as Greg in "Little Fockers."

(L-R) Robert De Niro as Jack and Ben Stiller as Greg in "Little Fockers."

  • (L-R) Robert De Niro as Jack and Ben Stiller as Greg in "Little Fockers."
  • Little Fockers
  • (L-R) Robert De Niro as Jack and Blythe Danner as Dina in "Little Fockers."
  • (L-R) Barbra Streisand as Roz in "Little Fockers."
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I thought Meet the Parents was a sloppy comedy. Some of the jokes worked, but it wasn’t as funny as all my friends seemed to think it was.

My sister has insisted I see Meet the Fockers, claiming it was hysterical. Nothing about the commercials made it look appealing.

So, along comes the third (and hopefully last) of this focking franchise.

There has never been a more impressive focking group of actors for a movie – that turned out so bad.

Robert De Niro, Ben Stiller, Dustin Hoffman, Barbara Streisand, Blythe Danner, Jessica Alba (who looked great in her underwear), Laura Dern (why isn’t she in more movies?), Harvey Keitel as a construction foreman; and a great focking comedian – Kevin Hart.

I’ll save you the focking money you were going to spend on this movie, by telling you the only three funny scenes in the focking film (and they weren’t even funny enough to illicit laughter from me, just smiles).

--When Hoffman talks about pulling a muscle trying to keep up with his sex therapist wife (Streisand), while constantly trying new positions like the “reverse cowgirl.” She yells back “You did it wrong. I was supposed to be on top!”

--When De Niro is Googling a woman (Alba) he sees as a threat to his daughter's marriage. Her name is Andi Garcia, and the actor Andy Garcia’s face pops up.

--A caricature artist was drawing De Niro and made him with a huge mole and squinty eyes.

Oh yeah, I did have a little focking smile whenever Hart popped up in his hospital scenes.

It’s crazy, because people like to talk about rock stars that “sell out,” because they let their songs be used in commercials. Or a band might have a banner behind the stage for a beer company. Yet nobody talks about all the focking actors that do that. I’m listening to a Jeff Bridges voice over for a battery commercial as I type this (and he’s on the verge of getting his second Oscar in a two-year period).

When I saw Robert De Niro’s name as one of the producers of this focking piece of garbage, I thought there is nobody that has sold-out more then he has. He could’ve been remembered as one of the best actors ever on a handful of movies – Bang the Drum Slowly, Raging Bull, Taxi Driver, and Godfather 2.

He can do comedy well enough. Midnight Run is one of my all-time favorite comedies, and he was great in Jackie Brown.

Yet he’s just focking phoning it in with lame comedies lately.

Ya know what? This movie came out on Christmas week (weak?). We need De Niro to be visited by three ghosts. One can be the ghost of Marlon Brando – since he played his character in the second Godfather. Brando can show him “actors passed” – and the great actors that are no longer with us and the legacy they left behind.

Director Stanley Kubrick can be the ghost of directors present – to show him the handful of good directors making interesting projects he might want to consider working with.

The third ghost…oh, I don’t know. I really hadn’t thought this premise out that well (like the screenwriters of Little Fockers). It could be his son, showing him how bad the movie industry is because of crap he’s churned out. Or maybe it could be the ghost of an angry filmgoer, who isn’t working in this bad economy, and has compiled all the receipts from the money he spent taking his family to horrible movies in which he starred.

I wonder when the actors reading this focking script came upon scenes where a needle has to be stuck in a body part that won’t go down… or projectile vomit, fart jokes…do they call their focking agent, or the filmmaker, and suggest a focking rewrite? Well, I think I know the answer to that.

When Stiller almost cuts off his finger while carving the turkey, I wondered why he didn’t cut off the fingers of the focking screenwriter.

Stiller once wrote a funny and underrated comedy show. He’s obviously funny. Can’t he spruce up the focking script a little?

And Owen focking Wilson – sure, you aren’t in De Niro’s league – but can you please do a comedy that is actually funny? And fix your focking nose already! I know, I know…you heard the horror stories from Jennifer Grey. Don’t listen.

Don’t waste your focking money on this.

Let’s hope this is the last, and that they put this focking franchise out of its misery.

I’m giving it a big, fat, focking F.