Communication: What Not to do

 1.  Don't tell your partner how they feel.  Avoid telling your partner what you think they are feeling or why they did something.  This will push your partner away.  Many of my couples that come into counseling try to tell me what their partner feels or thinks.  The thing that I start to uncover in my counseling sessions is that what they "thought their partner felt or thought" wasn't true.  My job as a therapist is to help get better understanding on both sides. 

2. Don't use "pointing language." Pointing language is anything that starts off with "You."  Pretty much this is telling a person how they are or what they did wrong.  When we point with our words, our partner will automatically get defensive.  Start using language that tells your partner how you feel, or what your experience is like.

3. Don't go into other topics.  Usually when we are in a heated discussion, it is easy to bring up old topics to prove your point.  Old topics have their own weight of pain.  Don't make it worse by bringing in old stuff.  Stay on topic. 

If you are having struggles with your communication in your relationship, please visit my website at http://www.estestherapy.com or visit my main Relationship Blog for more relationship tools at http://www.estestherapy.com/relationshiptips.

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