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MOVIE REVIEWS: Vampires Suck

It has vampires. And, it sucks.

Vampires Suck: Rates an INCOMPLETE.
Courtesy photo

One of my regular movie complaints is about the film titles. I can’t complain about Vampires Suck. It has vampires. And it sucks.

I should note right now, I only stayed for 30 minutes of it. Really, that’s all I could take.

In that time, I laughed at two jokes. The father commenting on his daughters breasts (an actress that totally pulled off the Kristen Stewart pout). And an Indian kid who turns into a dog and runs after a squirrel (although dogs running after squirrels is a thousand times funnier in the animated Up).

I think doing film parodies is probably not that easy. The Zucker Brothers (with Jim Abrahams and Leslie Nielson often helping), did well.

Mel Brooks scored with Blazing Saddles poking fun at westerns, and Space Balls a decade later, parodying Star Wars. Then he did a movie I walked out of (coincidentally, also a vampire film): Dracula – Dead and Loving It.

I’ve only walked out of four movies in my life (and wanted to walk out of Big Daddy). The Dracula film was the same year (1995) that I walked out on Boys on the Side.

I should also defend Vampires Suck by saying – I’m not the target audience. It’s geared towards teens that are fans of the Twilight films. I haven’t seen a single one of those. That being said, when you have 10 jokes every couple minutes, at least a few of them should work; even if you aren’t familiar with the source material.

I wanted to stay and see Dave Foley (Kids in the Hall) and Ken Jeong (The Hangover) – two of the funniest men on the planet; but when I’m that bored 30 minutes into it, I don’t feel it’s worth wasting more of my time.

Filmmakers Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg gave us the parody films Meet the Spartans, Epic Movie and Disaster Movie. None of those got good reviews (and Vampires Suck is at 3% on Rotten Tomatoes). I’m thinking they should shoot for something different next time out.

If I were to issue a grade to this movie, it would be a D-. It’s not fair to do that to a film that I merely saw 30 minutes of. So, I’ll take that red marker and write INCOMPLETE on the top right-hand corner.