Search form


Fish gone wild--and gory

Piranha 3D: Rates a C-.
Courtesy photo

I had no desire to see Piranha 3D. Now, had someone told me it was Piranha 3-Double D, I would’ve considered it.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not some perv, but the novelty of seeing breasts in 3D would’ve been too tempting to pass up.

And don’t despair ladies. You get to see some man parts in 3D, too. Andthey belongs to sex symbol Jerry O’Connell (look out, Dirk Diggler). He plays a sleazy TV producer doing a Girls Gone Wild type of show.

It’s really the fish that have gone wild.

An earthquake causes piranha, well…not just regular piranha, but prehistoric piranha…to extract revenge on Richard Dreyfuss for what he did to that Great White in Jaws (in a sly move, he’s even singing the same song while drunk on the boat). Oh yeah, he needed a bigger boat in this, too.

The critics have been praising this movie as a fun, goofy throwback to those cheesy horror/slasher flicks of the '70s and '80s. And I have to admit, I was on board that small boat, enjoying the fun for the first half.

Christopher Lloyd was perfectly cast as the cranky old scientist (I was half expecting him to take a DeLorean into the ocean to fight the fish).

Elizabeth Shue’s awkward acting style worked well for her role as the town sheriff, along with tough guy sidekick Ving Rhames (He must be tough – he jumped into the bloody water, ripped off an engine from a boat and fought the fish that way).

As the piranha were flying up from his swirling blade, I wondered why the 3D didn’t seem to make me flinch as fish were flying my way.

Eli Roth pops up in a small part, running a wet T-shirt contest.

Adam Scott (who I loved in Step Brothers) had a nice role as an oceanographer. I just wonder what these actors say to their friends at parties, when asked a year ago, “What movie are you working on now?”

The two little kids are perfect in their roles, and even Steve McQueen’s grandson does a nice job.

This will easily go down as the goriest movie of the summer. Heck, of the last few years.

The ending is absolutely ridiculous, but come on. If you’re going to a movie called Piranha, you’re not going to be nitpicking about things like that. It’s also why the press wasn’t given any screenings of this movie. But surprise, surprise! The critics are giving this movie good reviews (it was around 80 percenton Rotten Tomatoes).

O’Connell showed a clip of himself being eaten by the fish on a late night talk show, so I’m not ruining anything by saying that he bites the dust (or, gets bitten and turned to dust). What’s funny is that as he lies on his dock, with the entire lower half of his body basically gone – his last words are, “Wet T-shirt contest. Wet T-shirt contest!”

That tops Val Kilmer in The Doors movie. His last line is, “Let’s get some tacos.”

I think if you have a few beers and have a nice buzz going, you can really have fun with this movie. Of course, the characters in this movie drink a little too much (did we really need to see barf in 3D?). Although I must admit, seeing a woman trying to get her tangled hair out of a boat propeller while fish with sharp teeth approach, did kind of bring me back to those horror films of my youth.

This thing unabashedly goes for all the exploitation it can get. You’re either going to love it or hate it. I did both.

I’m giving it a C-.