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MOVIE REVIEW: Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Go play a video game instead

  • Transformers: Dark of the Moon
  • Shia LaBeouf as Sam Witwicky in "Transformers: Dark of the Moon."
  • Rosie Huntington-Whiteley as Carly in "Transformers: Dark of the Moon."
  • Optimus Prime in "Transformers: Dark of the Moon."
  • Transformers: Dark of the Moon
  • Shockwave in "Transformers: Dark of the Moon."
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How I didn’t get a migraine watching two and a half hours of explosions is beyond me. I never owned any Transformer toys as a kid (they were created after I was older), and I never saw the previous two movies in this series. I have seen the other movies Michael Bay has given us, which include the horrible Pearl Harbor, Armageddon, Bad Boys (1 and 2), and the almost decent The Rock.

There are only three things I liked about this movie:

1) The special effects. The transformers looked great, and it was fun watching them do battle the first few times. It makes you wonder why CGI can’t always be done this well.

2) Ken Jeong. As funny as he was in the first Hangover (and unfunny in the second), I just enjoy his manic energy. He’s playing a character named Wang, and he has some fun moments.

3) Victoria’s Secret model Rosie Huntington-Whiteley. She was brought in to replace Megan Fox.

Patrick Dempsey plays her boss, and the scenes where Shia LaBeouf makes snarky comments in his presence are totally ridiculous. It seems like only in movies do people show their jealousy this way. In real life you’d smile, act polite, and compliment his car collection.

It was clever how X-Men: First Class used JFK. This movie uses JFK, too. They up the ante by having other presidents, up to an Obama look-alike, show up in this story. There’s even a cameo from a real astronaut – the recently single Buzz Aldrin.

The cast has a trio of actors that would’ve been wonderful to see in any other film – John Malkovich, Frances McDormand, and John Turturro. For the ladies, they get Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson to go with McDreamy. They run around sweaty and shoot stuff.

There’s a montage scene in this of LaBeouf going to different job interviews that’s just torture to watch. Not because we’re rooting for him to get a job, but because they’re all so poorly done and unrealistic. Perhaps I shouldn’t talk about unrealistic in a movie that has robots that turn into Peterbilt trucks and bitchin’ Camaros.

When LaBeouf’s parents come to visit in a large RV, they play the movie cliché parents that want to nag about everything.LaBeouf also has tiny Tranformers that are supposed to be cute comic relief. They often come off sounding like unfunny versions of Beavis & Butthead.

The dialog in this movie is ridiculous.There’s bad storytelling, and horrible attempts at humor.

I also didn’t care for the choice of songs used in this film (Linkin Park, Paramore, Mastodon, My Chemical Romance, Staind). Would one track from Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon killed them? Or maybe the more appropriately titled song "Welcome to the Machine."

Every 10 minutes I glanced down at my watch, wondering if I could sneak out, or if that would be unprofessional.

This is a movie only teenagers will enjoy.

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  • Rating: 1 of 5